Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Scott McClellan Out - Mr. Stick Figure In

Hat tip to WuzzaDem

Scott McClellan Out - Mr. Stick Figure In



Bsh

As you all know, Scott McClellan submitted his resignation today. I
want to thank Scott for his hard work and dedication, and wish him the
best of luck.





Bsh

It's my pleasure to appoint as Press Secretary Mr. Stick Figure. He's
well informed, he speaks his mind, and I'm sure you'll all enjoy
working with him. Stick?





Stksec3

Thanks, boss. You heard the man - Mumbly McMushmouth is out, Stick
Figure is in, so let's get this show on the road. Let's hear from...





Stksec3

You...Four-eyes.








Reptr3

Me?





Stksec3

Not you, the other four-eyes.





Reptr2

Me?





Stksec3

What did I just say? Yes, you!





Reptr2

Oh, OK, I was just going to, um, I mean, I wanted to say, I mean to ask
that, um...





Stksec3

Holy crap - spit it out, already!





Reptr2

Oh, sorry. Um, as you know...





Stksec3

OK, let's just stipulate that any question beginning with the phrase "As
you know
" is a waste of my freaking time, because if I
already know, I don't need you to remind me. Sound like a plan?





Reptr2

I guess so. So, um, then I guess what I should
say is, um...





Stksec3

All right, time's up, Zippy. We've only got three years left in this
administration, and we can't spend all three waiting for you to form a
complete sentence. Let's go to Mr. Pink-Shirt over here on the right.





Dgreg

Stick Figure, do you think Scott McClellan should have admitted he was
wrong when he said that...





Stksec3

Again with this?? What are you, obsessed with the guy?





Dgreg

I think it's a reasonable question, after all, he was the press
secretary for this administration, and he stated emphatically that...





Stksec3

The key word being was,
OK? By now, he's probably working at the local Starbucks, so how about
you head over there, grab a latte, and the two of you can continue your
little domestic squabble over some banana nut loaf, huh?





Dgreg

You're avoiding the question, and the American people aren't going to
stand for...





Stksec3

Whoa! Hold up a second there, sparky. In case you haven't noticed,
there's a new sheriff in town, and he's not taking any crap from the
peanut gallery.





Dgreg

But I asked a question, and I think you have a responsibility to...





Stksec3

Responsibility? Let's just review here - me, presidential appointee;
you, Brian Williams office-boy. Now, despite the obvious difference in
our social stature, I'm still willing to let you come in here and hang
out with these other losers, so mind your p's and q's.





Dgreg

That's not...





Stksec3

Next! Let's hear from Lurch, down here in front.





Jrob

Me?





Stksec3

The next person who asks that is out on his ass - yes, you!





Jrob

This is nuts, you can't talk to...





Stksec3

Hey, Porny McSleazemouth, they warned me about you, and I'll tell you
right now, I'm not going to stand for any talk about sloppy seconds, or
nuts, or any other body parts, got it?





Jrob

But, but...





Stksec3

Again with the body parts! OK, I warned you, now you're sitting this
one out.





Stksec3

Oldie McFartson, what've you got for me?





Reptr5

I've reviewed six different polls on issues ranging from the public's
opinion on...





Stksec3

Can you believe this guy? He's actually reading from a script.





Reptr5

...demographic studies, many of which concur that...





Stksec3

Does he think he's running for office or something?





Reptr5

Now, taking into consideration the economic disparity between many...





Stksec3

I'm just going to let him talk. ChromDome, you're up!





Reptrbld

Mr. Stick Figure, as you know...





Stksec3

Wrong answer! Take that guy's press pass away, he's a loser.





Stksec3

Hairpiece! What's on your mind?





Tmora

I don't wear a hairpiece!





Stksec3

Riiiiight, right. What's your question?





Tmora

Stick Figure, after what I've seen today, I can't vouch for you.





Stksec3

Well, I don't remember asking you to vouch for
me...





Tmora

Seriously, I can't carry your water.





Stksec3

Carry my water? What does that mean?





Tmora

This is outrageous. I'm a reporter for ABC, you know.





Stksec3

That's one of the reasons I wouldn't ask you to
vouch for me.





Tmora

I've hosted Nightline!





Stksec3

That's it, get it all out. Confession is good for the soul. Oh, I
forgot - you're a reporter for ABC. Well, confession's probably good
for you, anyway.





Tmora

I don't have to take this crap from you!





Stksec3

BOR-ing! You, in the back - take your best shot.





Dbash

Wouldn't you agree that the president...





Stksec3

Wouldn't you agree that the president.





Dbash

Excuse me, wouldn't you...





Stksec3

Excuse me, wouldn't you.





Dbash

What are you doing?





Stksec3

What are you doing?





Dbash

Are you playing some kind of game?





Stksec3

No, I'm demonstrating the fine art of verbatim quoting. You bozos
should try it some time.





Stksec3

All right, show's over, kids. Move along, nothing to see here.





Stksec3

I can't believe I made so many new friends in one day. I think I'm
going to like this gig.

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