Queer Eye for a Dictator Guy

From the knewshound

Take
five swinging city boys

Add
one ex dictator getting ready for his big date

And
you get -

First,
Kyan has a heart to
heart with Saddam

Saddam, buddy, I know you have
been busy lately,
denouncing the infidels and so on,
buy honey, you
have let yourself GO.

Lets take a look at your
grooming and dental habits and see what we have to work with here

Well
the good news is; you don’t have a big bald spot to worry
about. When we were in Russia, Putin was trying to tell me he wanted a
comb over. Vlad, a comb over, can you imagine?
Anyway, have you ever
thought about a black rinse to take the edge off that gray?

Ow sweetie, you need to floss ! You always
need to floss !

And
I have to ask, what’s the deal with the hair?

Well you
see, I was on the run for a long time escaping the Infidel Americans.

I know just
what you mean, I had a Ex like that once. Anyway, it needs a
total makeover. I haven’t seen a head of hair like that since
I was at Al Sharptons party
and Don King showed up.

But all of that is going to change as we make over Saddam Hussein !

Well we
are here to change your life ! Lets get you in the chair and start your new you !


Sad, can I call you Sad? Anyway, Sad, I have to say, that took off 20 years just by cleaning you up.

I must confess I do feel refreshed. I have
to say however, I much prefer the beard, it adds a certain dashing
quality and my image consultant
says it gives me depth.

On or off, its all the same to me but Honey, you are smokin.....



Oh,
it looks like your Limo has arrived !
Time for Carson
to get you dressed for your big event.

Hussy, can I call you Hussy? We
need a new outfit to really make you shine on your big day.
I mean, just take a look at what you are
wearing now.

Well I was not given a choice what to wear,
they gave me these clothes, and these
ridiculous shoes.
And stop calling me Hussy.

Well lets get you out of that hideous
outfit and into something more suitable for a big event !
Now I want you to strip out of those dreary
duds and let’s dress you up.

I do not usually undress in front of
infidels but it seems I have little choice.

I am oddly comfortable without clothes in front of you too.

Oh well, these are changing times.

I must say, these are clothes more suitable
for a man of my stature.

Well, I was skeptical at first but I must
now say;
I look gooooood
No honey, you look HOT !

Oops, your
limo is back, time for Thom to work his magic on that dreary abode you
call home ! Taa Taa !
Mr. Hussein, I have been consulted on some pretty
dismal places in my time, but
yours has just GOT to be the worst I have EVER seen. Just look at it; horrible use of light, the
decorating is minimal at best, your choice of colors shows no imagination what so ever and the
furniture is soooo 17th century dungeon. We need an updated look to go
along with the new you !

I have given it a lot of thought, taking
into consideration your circumstances and I think we have a winner !

Taa Daa !
I know you will grow to like it
as much as I do !
I gave you a new can for drinking out of and you will notice 2 rolls of
TP in there. You wont have to spare that left hand anymore if
you know what I mean ! And, did I mention that the green
shows off your eyes ?

Wait a minute you kaffir, I do not wish to
live in such a place, what kind of people are you anyway ?

Don’t worry Saddy, I assure you the situation is only
temporary !
Ooooh Ooooh Jai is here ! Jai is going to give some tips to our friend here.

Hi. I'm Jai.

Well helloooooo sunshine !
Where have these other running
dogs been keeping you? Take seat here next to me and lets get better
acquainted.
Saddamn, I hope I can call you Saddamn, you
are at a critical time in your life. You are a father figure to many in your nation. Some
conciliatory words might help to calm some of the problems in your country and enhance your image as a leader for
posterity and possibly secure a greater place for your self in history.

Yes, Yes, yes, all that is for later.
First, let us discuss me and
you. I have been imprisoned for some time now and, well, I am lonely. You are very pleasing to look at and I enjoy
talking to you. I have known boys such as you in the past and I have to confess I have sometimes enjoyed spending time
with them.
May I show you some pictures?
I think you might like them.

This is me getting ready for my workout.
I know I am a little older than you but I am in good shape.

And I know you cant tell it from the
pictures but I swear I'm about this ....

Mr. Hussain. That is enough of THAT! This is television. You cant say
that on the air !

Oh look, Ted is here, hi Ted !

Hi ! I'm Ted. Lets talk about Food !

I don’t want to talk about food !
I want the young and strangely attractive one back.
Bring him to me now !

Sorry, Jai is gone. I think you scared him
off.
Anyway, Daddy, can I call you Daddy? Shall we discuss your last, oops,
I mean big meal?

I don’t want to talk about food.

Bring him to me, I demand the dark smooth one back !
And stop calling me Daddy you infidel swine.

Any big occasion should start with a good
appetizer.
I find Smoked Salmon and cream cheese on bagels to be an excellent
choice.
And as my dear Mother used to say before we went to Temple,
fresh is best.

Sigh, fine. Let us talk about food. All
they have served to me is infidel slop.

Wait a minute, did you say Temple.

Since
this is going to be a very active affair,
I'm going with something light.

So let’s enjoy some delicious Bacon
Lettuce and Tomato sandwiches. I will not be joining you but
my friend
say these are delish !

But,
but, but ...

Oh
look, your escorts are here. Oh well,
time just seemed to fly by. Toodles !

But, but, but, but....

Oh
look guys, its time ! We finally get to
see the end result, just call it the fruits of our labor !

Oh
I just love the way his suit compliments the
electrical tape wrapped around the end of the rope.

Oh,
and look, the assistants took the time to
wear complimentary colors. Something green or red would have
clashed
badly don’t you think ?

Here
we go baby !

I
don’t care what they say, THATS a money shot. I think the way the photographer used the light was just fabulous !

That’s all for today, we just hope that Saddam is happy in
his new home,
but we hear its a little warm there !

Be sure to tune in to the next Queer Eye for the Straight Guy where we
make
over John Kerry ! All on the next Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy.